Q: How do you get Pikachu onto a bus ?

A: Poke-him-on

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So this duck walks into the chemists and says, "Gimme two quid's worth of chapstick - and put it on my bill."

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In Dublin Too Long Here are those 15 tell-tale signs you've been in Dublin too long...

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.

2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.

3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.

4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.

5. You say "Are you Grand?" all the time.

6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.

7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.

8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh, Ailbhe, Siobhan, Kinsella and Callaghan.

9. You take two hours to get in to work and it's a bloody disaster, but you can take four hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.

10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes.

11. You say "Yer man" all the time.

12. You say "Yer woman" all the time.

13. You think The Blades should have been bigger than The Beatles.

14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.

15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.

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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by a Dublin driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my licence plate.

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ratarsed to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The colour.

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Women In Front A journalist friend had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvellous," said the journalist.
"What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Two words," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
"Land mines."

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Sadam Hussein And The Cavan Man Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his phone rang...
<br>"Mr Hussein," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Jimmy in County Cavan back in UK. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!!"
"Well, Jimmy," Saddam replies "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment," says Jimmy after a quick calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub - that makes eight!
" Saddam sighs and says "I must warn you, Jimmy Irishman, that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to spring into action as soon as I give my word."
"Oh heck" says Jimmy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Jimmy rings back. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Jimmy from Cavan?" Saddam asks.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and the Murphys' tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighs and says "Jimmy, this is crazy. I have 16,000 tanks, and 2,000 mine layers, and 14,000 armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million even in the time since we last spoke."
"Well feck that for a game of soldiers!" says Jimmy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Jimmy rings back the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've kitted out old Packie's crop-sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Jimmy that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 MIG 109 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh bollocks" says Jimmy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Jimmy calls again the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm very sorry to hear that, my Irish friend" says Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, we've given it careful consideration and decided there's no way we can cope with 2 million bleddy prisoners!"

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10 Reasons Why We Hate Mobile Phones
1. Mobile phones on the bus. You know the scene. Four plonkers in front of you. Each one of them telling everybody in a loud, grating voice: "No, I'm still on the bus". Never!
2. Those naff mobile ring tones. Why Beethoven's "Ode To Joy"? Why his 40th symphony? Why isn't it ever Eric Satie, or the Orb?
3. And the phone with this infuriating sound is always somewhere at the very bottom of a very large bag. Which has 23 zips.
4. What about the person who talks to himself/herself while walking along the street? In the olden days, they'd be called the Village Idiot. Today they're known as "A Hands-Free User".
5. Mobile phones in that airport lounge where some Dutch bloke is talking to his mates about their night on the razzle. And he's two seats from you. And he's very loud. Non-stop. For 3/4 of an hour.
6. Mobile phones in airplanes. Especially when they give you a heart attack after the intercom says: "This is an emergency announcement from your captain...."
7. Them big huge backpack phones with a long aerial and a windy-uppy yoke that the US army would use in old war films to order an airstrike during D Day. Lovely! Now that's what we call a decent mobile phone. But can you find one in your local mobile phone superstore? Not on your nelly. So much for the free bloody market and consumer choice.
8. What about manufacturers who think the best mobile design is one where you need fingers smaller than those of your baby niece, so you're always misdialling?
9. And mobile phones where you can't hear your own voice, so you start shouting?
10. And the vibrating telephone. Why? We're all consenting adults here, and if you want to seek pleasure from a talking vibrator in the comfort of your own home, fine, go ahead. But not in the National Concert Hall, in front of 300 people. Please

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There's this bunch of guys in the golf club sauna. A mobile telephone rings and one guy answers it.
"Hello?"
"Honey, is that you? What's all that noise? Are you in the sauna?"
"Yes."
"Honey, I'm standing in the jeweller's, and they've got this fabulous diamond and emerald necklace and I really, really, really want to buy it. Can I please, please, please have it? It's only just a bit more than 1,000 quid."
"How much more?"
"Well, it's 2,200 quid actually."
"Well, all right then. But don't pay anything more than that."
"Thank you, my love. Oh! And I just passed by the car showroom and they've this dream car in and it's turquoise - my favourite colour - and it's on sale for 16,000 quid, but they can let us have it for just 14,000 pounds if we buy today. Please, please, please honey let me buy it."
"Well, all right, dear, but try to get them to come down to 12,000 pounds."
At this point the woman realises that she's on a roll and says: "Honeybunch, you know that I've been asking you to let my Mum come to live with us, and I know you are really against the idea but - well, I was thinking that perhaps she could come on Saturday and just try staying with us for one month - to see how it goes. What do you think?"
"Well, dear, all right then - but only on a trial basis."
"Oh, thank you, my honey, I love you so much. Thank you. See you tonight."
The guy hangs up, puts the phone down and says:
"Anybody know who this mobile phone belongs to?"

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designed as masculine or feminine.
Things like "chalk" or "pencil" have a gender association, although in English these words are neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was and divided the class into two groups, one group all male, the other all female. They were to decide which gender should be applied to "computer" and give four reasons for their decision.
The results - The group of women concluded computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The group of men decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory banks for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Definition by Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing hurling without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the lads.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: part of woman you slap; Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

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Two lads walked into a bar. You'd reckon one of them would have noticed it.

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Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, grey and hairy?
Cos if they were small, round, smooth, white and hairless, they'd be asprins.

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A definition of "laughing stock": cattle with a sense of humour.

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